I try and try and fix things by myself, decide things by myself and cope on my own. And so often I don't. Because I can't. I'm only human and I don't have it all covered. I bottle it all up, try and deal with it by myself and then it gets too much.
And then God shows me that I need to rely on him. He reminds me that I don't need to have all the answers to everything right now, I don't need to plan everything and have everything sorted out. Because actually, that's His job. He has a perfect plan for me. A plan that He had for me before I was even born. "All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be." (Psalm 139:16)
This is something I have had spoken over me for a number of years. The passage from Jeremiah 29:11 (For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future) is one that has been given to me and one that I have gone back to for so many years. And yet I still find it hard to believe. Sometimes I am so certain of this, I feel so confident and strong about where I am going and how I will be where I am supposed to be and do what I am supposed to do. And other times I just feel so small in the grand scheme of the world. How could God, the creator of this huge beautiful world have a spot for little old me? And you know, even if He does, I probably won't find it. I'll miss everything He's trying to show me, and get lost in life. So I try and do it myself. I plan things, that's what I do. I'm a planner and a fixer, I don't like being unsure of things and so I make plans.
Even as I'm writing this God is reminding me that He has it covered, and it doesn't matter what I do, He'll sort it. He's got it planned already.
A few years ago I had just finished my A levels and was hoping to go to university in Sheffield. I had all my hopes fixed on this one place, I didn't have a back up plan. There was no need, this is where I wanted to go. This is the city I wanted to be in. But, the day came for me to get my results and I didn't get in to university. No matter how hard I tried to change their, they wouldn't accept me in Sheffield. I was devastated. I didn't know what to do, I had looked other places and didn't want to be anywhere else. But I was wrong. I had planned it all wrong, taken it into my own hands, tried to fix it myself and gone the wrong way. But God picked me back up and put me right in the place I was supposed to be in. And I know it was the place I was supposed to be. So many good things have happened for me, things I know God has put in place.
And yet I still come back to this point where I am unsure. Why? Why do I do that? Why do I try and go it alone, fix it all myself, take it all on on my own. I don't need to do I? In fact, not only that, but I shouldn't. God wants us to rely on Him, to trust Him. He is faithful and will never leave us or let us down.
*Father God thank you that you see me, right here right now where I am. I'm sorry I try and do things myself, fix the way I'm feeling without you. You are the God above all, maker of the universe, Saviour of the World. Wonderful Counsellor I turn to you. I come to you, and ask that you would guide me. I give you all those things I hold dear, that I worry about and give them back to you. Thank you father that you have got it sorted. That you have gone ahead of me. That you are with me and will never let me down. I love you Lord and thank you that you love me. Your love never fails, never gives up, never runs out on me.
"God is striding ahead of you. He is right there with you. He won't let you down; he won't leave you. Don't be intimidated. Don't worry" (Deut. 31:8)
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